


The weak are meat

by CheshireCaine



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dad!Kisame, Dad!Zabuza, Funny, Intimidation, Kisame Week 2019, M/M, Pre-Slash, Rivalry, Teamwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 13:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20116102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheshireCaine/pseuds/CheshireCaine
Summary: An unexpected meeting between two of the Mist's famous Seven Swordsman results in a timely alliance, civilian brutality and dads being dads.∞—🦈—∞Day I - SHARK WEEK!! | Swordsman





	The weak are meat

**Author's Note:**

> rocking up to Kisame Week as it ends but I couldn't not write

“You! What are you doing here?” Kisame’s snarling words overlapped Zabuza’s growling back.

Zabuza was always the less patient one. “I’m here—_to win_,” he hissed through his bandages.

Kisame, donned in fish-patterned yukata, snapped his teeth shut like he was catching Zabuza’s neck between them. “I’d believe you if that reward wasn’t _mine_.”

“Two minutes! That’s right, two minutes till the contest begins!” A short civilian shouted into a cone, swaying it over people’s heads like a frond. “Step up, step up and eat as many gyōza as you can manage in an hour. Most gyōza equals prizes! Our top winner gets _two_, limited edition! Plushies!”

Zabuza shoved past Kisame. “See you . . . on the battlefield.”

“Words mean little, peach. The strong _eat_.”

∞—🦈—∞

Zabuza dropped onto his cushion. Three down, Kisame smiled intently at a man till he cowed and moved to a different row.

“You know the rules.” The spokesman waved for the spectators to join him. “Three! Two! _One__!_ And they’re off!

“Five minutes in and the gentleman from the Land of Fire is already pulling ahead of the group. The lady from Earth is in the back—figuratively, not the courtyard—leisurely enjoying her gyōza. I’d complain if it wasn’t the only thing keeping this experience from ruining gyōza-eating for me.”  
  
Kisame and Zabuza towered over their opponents. Kisame could take his time shovelling food in when he had the biological advantage of being able to tear them apart with his teeth faster. And the easy slice of his teeth through each dumpling gave him time to flick looks at Zabuza, his true rival for the day. Zabuza would look back, jaw bared, and smirking a little around his food—he had sharp teeth too.

“Looks like we have several contenders but fifteen minutes in—any leads have diminished. This truly is _anyone’s_ game!”

Zabuza and Kisame passively consumed more, realising finally that flicking glares and minor genjutsu at each other had aborted their leads, giving time for the slackers to catch up. They caught each other’s eyes again, signalling with their fingers.

Half-curling the fingers of their chopstick-free hands, what to a Kiri shinobi meant WIN.

Zabuza flicked a sharp pebble under the table into the back of a guy to his diagonal, making him wince and choke. Kisame sped up, eating fast enough to give the servers work and make the guy beside him clutch at his stomach.

He gave up quickly when Kisame turned, gorging with his mouth open to smile.

“Ahh, the lady from Earth is done. And very casual about it.” The announcer rubbed at this chin. “Seems somebody just wanted free food. A reminder that this event costs nobody for any keen spectators considering participation at our next competition next year!

Zabuza loudly smacked a plate onto the table and Kisame instantly unfolded a leg to kick the man next to him. He fell onto his plate and dragged himself off to the side.

“Eat up, eat up, dear competitors! Otherwise you have _three_ minutes and only _three_ competitors with a chance at winning.”

Zabuza kept eating to pressure the third guy but didn’t bother taking him out—after all, he needed breaks between mouthfuls. It’s not as though he could compete with a man with _gills_.

∞—🦈—∞

“There you go, sir! Two one-of-a-kind plushies. The snow-white wolf and the dainty, brown weasel. Enjoy!”

Kisame handed one off to Zabuza and they parted without acknowledgement.

∞—🦈—∞

“Reminded me of you, so I got it.”

Itachi recovered quickly. “Thank you, Kisame. I admit, I’m unused to receiving gifts.” He really wasn’t—or he’d maybe be holding the toy between his fingertips like it a grenade. “And that I don’t think I quite want to know how you got this.”

Kisame laughed. “Nothing like you’re thinking, Itachi. Got it without drawing blood.” Well, probably excepting the guy Zabuza had shot with a stone, but no marks had shown up through his clothes anyway.

∞—🦈—∞

“Thank you, Zabuza. I truly appreciate this.”

“Nothing to thank me for, kid. Our target’s only a town over. No detours meant he was gonna leave before us.”

∞—🦈—∞

The pairs crossed paths in the middle of town.

Kisame couldn’t pretend not to see them when Itachi ‘I’m a Prodigy’ Uchiha was besides him and probably spotted them first. And Zabuza had only ever encouraged Haku’s hypervigilance for ninja-types so he was screwed too.

It was too optimistic to hope nobody was starting a fight with the festival still ongoing, hands already finding weapons and forming seals.

A man with a cone shouted in the distance. “With more plushies! Do come back next year, humble patrons.”

Kisame and Zabuza forgot where they were. “Are you kidding me?”

“They do this every year?”

“See you next year, shark-bait?”

“Same time, peach.”


End file.
